New Haven Coffee Shops as People

Atticus: This is your learned middle-aged female professor. She’s reliable and easy to talk to. You feel like Professor Atticus is always in your corner (High Street and Chapel), but you wouldn’t expect her to go the extra mile. Her decent cold brew and sweet matcha get you through, but her cheugy humor and crowded office make it a bit difficult to sustain conversation. She’ll always vote blue, but believes young liberals are taking the cancel culture too far. 

Willoughby's Coffee and Tea: Oh, Will… no one really wants to hang out with Will. He’s there, good ol’ reliable Will. He’s not a great conversationalist, but he’ll ask about your classes and extracurriculars with a convincing veneer of curiosity. When you need him, he is sort of there, and when you don’t need him, you forget him entirely. He forgot to vote in the last election. 

Book Trader Cafe: Book (she/they) loves the band Geese, and the animal, but more importantly, the band. You’ve always had a crush on her, maybe for her dirty chai or maybe just her vibe. You’ve had a few magical experiences with her, but she’ll always see you as a friend. She is a good friend, remember that. She would have voted for Mamdani if she lived in NYC, and she keeps telling you that. 

G Cafe: G is super hot, but he’s been around (once on Chapel and TWICE on Orange St). You keep him around for his coffee and his baguette. He’s a mama’s boy but not in the weird way. You guys will always be friends, but you don’t always remember to hang out. Whenever you manage to find the time or somehow come across him, you have a great time. 

Koffee: K (they/them) doesn’t actually have much to offer beyond their aura. They don’t have much to say of substance but they seem to be talking all the time. K hangs out in such a niche place that you’re only seen together rarely, but when you are, it’s huge for your aura. They refuse to vote, but in a leftist way. 

Common Grounds: Fuck that guy. 

Maison B Café: Maison's a good guy; he doesn’t have much to say, but you’ll hang out with him for longer than you think. Unlike Will, you can recall some good memories with Maison. One night, you guys felt like you were becoming best friends, but you were just drunk. The odd thing about Maison is that you have no idea who else he hangs out with. He’s always talking to people, but never anyone you’ve seen before. Have you ever had a friend that you’re not quite sure is real? That’s Maison. 

The Elm: Every time you see her, she’s with everyone you were hoping to never see again. 

Jitterbus: God this guy rocks. He’s just such a good friend. Have you ever seen a friend you love so bad you want to cry? Yeah. If Jesus was back it’d be this guy. If you were to send one person to represent earth in space hunger games, this guy. You need to hide a body? Find a body? Do a Challengers thing with? Jitty is your man.